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CONGRESS Decrees Oct. 12th As "Jedediah Rumplestiltskin DAY" To Honor 2008 Electric Lightbulb Inventor! "But, Tabacco", You Announce Triumphantly, "Edison Did That In 1879!" If Columbus Discovered..
CONGRESS Decrees
October 12th As
“Jedediah
Rumplestiltskin
DAY” In Honor Of
Inventor Of Electric
Lightbulb Last Year!
“But, Tabacco”, You
Announce
Triumphantly,
“Edison Did That In
1879!” If Columbus
Discovered America
In 1492, Then..!
REVISIONIST
HISTORY LESSON
Tabacco: We honor the 1-millionth person that walks through the McDonald’s turnstiles.
We celebrate Mr. Irrelevant, the last draftee in the NFL each year.
We glorify Mediocrity on television: you can have your own reality show or go on Maury or Jerry Springer if you are weird enough.
So I guess that annual October 12th celebration of Christopher Columbus’ “discovering” America qualifies in the USA as a FIRST although that’s comparable to saying Eli Manning “discovered” Broadway in the Tickertape Parade after the Giants beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl.
Or like saying the winner of the Boston Marathon “discovered” the Finish Line!
I never realized that when you discovered a geographical location, there would be a crowd there to receive you. Well, I guess Chris deserves Brownie Points for finally convincing Isabella the earth might not be flat after all. If Nina, Pinta and Santa Maria all fell over the edge into oblivion, Columbus stood to lose more than Isabella. And, if by some miracle Chris were correct, this would be an historic milestone - at least for Europeans!
What did Europeans think anyway? That the earth was just one humongous INFINITY POOL! That round Sun and that round moon must mean the probabilities were excellent that it’s time for a flat, square heavenly body. And just our luck it happens to be Earth! Besides the moon has that curved edge most of the time so moon folks can fall over that edge if those green cheese eaters stray too far. I wonder how many of them have perished that way. It’s only safe there during the full moon. But even then, if you wander to the edge of the circle, you will surely perish.
Yeah, Europeans are certainly intellectually superior to all other ethnicities such as those “Indians” who were already here in 1492! Just look at Phi Beta Kappa nominees, George W. Bush and Sarah Palin, if you have any doubts! But Europeans and Americans have never allowed FACTS or LOGIC to stand in the way of a good Celebration or self-approbation!
Perhaps we honor Columbus to prevent school children from “discovering” just how DUMB & AFRAID Europeans were for so many centuries. Fear (of falling over the edge of the earth or of Democratic Death Squads under Healthcare Reform) has always made Europeans crazy! It seems very little has changed!
But you only hear about the “ridiculosity” of Haitian Voodoo and the” ignoramousness” of African Witch Doctors! Everybody knows how dumb African descendants are and how smart European descendants are - just read any American history book (except Howard Zinn’s that is)!
But I digress! This story is about Jedediah Rumplestiltskin and why this October 12th we shall honor him along with that Johnny-come-lately, Christopher Columbus.
Jedediah Rumplestiltskin was born on a small, previously undiscovered island in the Antarctic Ocean called Flatmost. Jedediah’s people were barely beyond the wheel and discovery of fire stages of development, which occurred on Flatmost quite by accident during a thunderstorm.
Last year Jedediah Rumplestiltskin of Flatmost invented the electric lightbulb. This was particularly startling when you consider that Flatmost still has not “invented” electricity. So how Jedediah knew it would work is as much of a mystery as how Columbus knew he wouldn’t fall off the edge of that humongous Infinity Pool.
Jedediah’s neighbors told him he must take the chance and sail to another country where electricity was already a fact. How else would he ever know whether his electric lightbulb would work or not! Of course they refer to electricity as “God’s Anger”. Yes Flatmosters believe in God!
So Jedediah picked a crew from Flatmost’s only mental hospital, built 3 rafts - “The Lucky”, “The Courageous” and the “I Don’t Give A Damn”, and set sail following that star that never moves. Aided by winds from Hurricane Jethroe, they reached New York City on a Friday, just in time to file at the Patent Office, which ends business at 4pm sharp.
Unfortunately, the gentleman at the Patent Office informed him, some bloke named Thomas Alva Edison beat him to the punch by 129 years. No matter! Once Jedediah found out about Columbus Day, MacDonald’s & Reality Shows, he marched uptown to Charles Rangel’s office and demanded that he, Jedediah Rumplestiltskin, be honored every October 12th just like Christopher Columbus is. After all, Columbus was a lot more than 129 years late!
Rangel liked both Jedediah’s logic and his chutzpah (Rangel had to explain chutzpah to him). Rangel introduced an amendment to an Iraq War Supplemental Bill and the rest is history.
Henceforth we will celebrate annually October 12th as Columbus Day / Jedediah Rumplestiltskin Day!
Incidentally, when he found out Mayor Mike Bloomberg chose not to live there, Jedediah Rumplestiltskin decided he would call Gracie Mansion his home. And if New Yorkers reelect Bloomberg for a third, though illegal term, Jedediah Rumplestiltskin will continue to reside there. Send all mail to Jedediah Rumplestiltskin c/o Gracie Mansion, New York City, not c/o this Blog!
Tabacco: I consider myself both a funnel and a filter. I funnel information, not readily available on the Mass Media, which is ignored and/or suppressed. I filter out the irrelevancies and trivialities to save both the time and effort of my Readers and bring consternation to the enemies of Truth & Fairness! When you read Tabacco, if you don’t learn something NEW, I’ve wasted your time.
Tabacco is not a blogger, who thinks; I am a Thinker, who blogs.
In 1981's 'Body Heat', Kathleen Turner said, "Knowledge is power".
T.A.B.A.C.C.O. (Truth About Business And Congressional Crimes Organization) – Think Tank For Other 95% Of World: WTP = We The People